Flash! Give Me Envy. Flash! Give Me Malice. Flash!

Desperate Desires and Unadmirable Plans?

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 21:47:16 GMT

One of the most difficult conversations that a girl has to have with a new guy in her life is the "I'm-a-virgin" discussion. There really is no graceful way of initiating this kind of talk. It is what it is and it needs to be said. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed of the fact that I'm a virgin and I don't consider it something that defines my persona. It's just a choice I've made for myself.

I'm not a virgin for religious purposes or even because my parents want me to be one. It's more that I've yet to meet a guy with whom I feel I can make that kind of emotional attachment with. Sex is an act where you give a deep and special part of yourself to someone that you care for intensely. You are at your most vulnerable and you share this part of yourself with someone that you trust. You trust them with the feelings and part of yourself that you are giving to them. Needless to say, I haven't met a guy with whom I felt that I can share myself like that with. Simple enough for my choice. I already invest enough trust when I kiss someone – sharing that act alone isn't something that I take lightly. Having sex with someone is probably something that I can't handle at this point in my life. I don't know. It's something that is important to me and maybe with the right guy, the right steps to get to know each other, and the eventual trust and feelings invested, it may be something I'm ready for. Who knows?

I just haven't met a guy willing to be patient with me and understand my choice. To understand that my choice at virginity is not some spiritual quest for purity. But rather, a decision that I've made because I care deeply about people and I don't want to give that part of myself to someone who is going to hurt me in the end. I suppose having sex is my ultimate act of trust and love for another individual.

Last night, I finally got the answer as to why I felt that John had been acting slightly distant from me since our conversation about me being a virgin. Initially, I was under the impression that he was okay with that information. He seemed surprised to find out that I was a virgin. Considering my age. But he didn't show anything other than surprise. No pulling away. But then I guess he thought about what me being a virgin meant in the relationship sense. It would be easy for me to write this and color him as a jerk guy who only wanted to have sex with me and once he found out that I've never had sex, he just ditched me. That would be the easy story. But I trusted the nice guy I saw when I looked at him. I wanted to chalk him up as "that guy". The guy all the nice virgin girls hear about and are told to stay far away from because they just want to have sex. That's all that's on their minds. But that's not who he is. I see that. I trust that.

The conversation was as follows:

"I'm sorry. I'll be completely honest with you. I'm not looking for sex. But you being a virgin is not something that I'm prepared for. I've never been with a virgin. I respect you and I like you. But there will be a point where I'll want more. And I don't want to put us both in that situation. You're a nice girl. You need a guy that's pure like you."

My response?

"Oh, okay." To be completely honest, I wasn't sure how to react. I didn't even know what to say to that. He said that he expected more of a reaction from me. My responses of "okay" just made it seem like he was blowing me off because I don't have sex, and that wasn't it at all. It was obviously more complicated than that. But I felt that it really wasn't all that complicated. He likes me but my being a virgin is an issue. My virginity is not something that is about to change overnight.

When I talked to him, he said that there were two possible scenarios. A) either he's going to be the guy who feels like a jerk because he may eventually pressure me into doing things that I'm not ready for. His lack of control and needs may eventually become an issue in our relationship. He doesn't want to put me through that. or B) if I let him be my first and the relationship falls apart in the end, he's going to feel so horribly guilty for having caused me that kind of emotional pain. So, it's a lose-lose either way. He said he can't deal with that kind of pressure and stress on him. Not with the way his life is right now.

I'm supposed to talk to him today to finish this conversation. I'm not sure what to think. I guess when it comes down to it, I never considered what it would be like for the guy who is involved with me and the reality of the situation being that we would not be having sex. For some people, sex is an essential part of the relationship. It helps to strengthen emotional bonds and brings the two people together. It's a way to share yourself completely and without reserve with someone you care about. It isn't important for everyone but for some people it's a solidification of trust. It doesn't make him a jerk or a bad guy. He was just being honest with me.

He's never been involved with a virgin before and I think being with me would mean that he'd have to reevaluate something about his way of emotionally connecting in a relationship. Sex isn't everything. But it's easy for me to say that because I've never had sex. I can't really miss something that I've never had. If sex isn't something of importance to you, then it's easy to say that I should just forget this guy and chalk him up to being an asshole because he's uncomfortable being involved with a virgin. But this is a new place for him. He doesn't know how to treat me. Like he said, he's "never been with a virgin".

Is that really all there is to it? Does he like everything else about me but is unsure about the virgin issue? I don't know. That's one of the things that I'll have to clear up when I talk to him. I mean, am I interested enough in him to figure something out and ease the pressure and fears he has? I don't know. I guess I just need to know more information.

A part of me understands. But a big part of me thinks it sucks. Either way you dress it up. I would like to think that he'd like me enough to try and figure something out. We'll see. If it ends, it ends. Disappointment will be there, but I'll be fine. I like him. I trust that he's a good guy. I wish he'd just get over the fact that I'm a virgin. I think he's associating some stereotypes about virgins when he thinks of me. Most of those things don't stick with me. I'm my own person and it bites that he feels stressed out about my being a virgin.

If only he'd give it a shot...but...sometimes...you can't help what happens. You can only get the truth. The rest of the Story.

A Utility Belt and Some Glow Sticks

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:37:06 GMT

Great weekend.

Friday:

I went to go see the Dark Knight at the IMAX on Friday. It was incredible. Heath Ledger's performance was so impressive that every time I saw his character on screen, I just felt this entirely creepy and disturbed vibe from him. Christian Bale's interaction with Heath's character had me thinking about the way the Joker and Batman really are in the comic books and why the Joker is Batman's archenemy. It has everything to do with the fact that the Joker completely understands the Batman. He understands him in his psychosis and finds Batman so amusing because to him, the Joker, he and Batman are the same. They have a relationship.

Yes, I was very happy with the film. There were some parts that were clearly not based on the comic storyline (i.e. how Harvey Dent becomes Two-Face) but it's a film and Christopher Nolan is entitled to do what he wants in his film. I still enjoyed it. It was nice work. My crew and Jake's crew all met and watched it together. The place was sold out and there was an array of people dressed up in costumes at the showing. I loved it.

Saturday:

Jake, Josh, Jasmine, Jamil and I went to the Karma Lounge for a pajama party. It's this rave dance place and there were tons of people there. I like going because even though I am normally so reserved in social settings, I tend to get comfortable and have a blast when these guys are there to help me just not care about how I look.

When I first got there, I noticed this guy. He was kind of standing by himself, but not standing by himself. It's kind of difficult to describe. He was leaning up against a pillar. Anyways, I came in with the guys and we all just started getting into the swing of things. I walked by this guy the first time and caught him looking at me, so I smiled, made eye contact and walked onto the dance floor with the guys. I do that. Smile politely when I catch someone looking at me. There was something else about this guy, though.

Basically, while I was out there dancing with Josh, Jake, and Jasmine, I couldn't get my mind off this guy. He just stuck himself into my head. I tried to get up the nerve to go talk to him. I'm not so shy once I start dancing and having fun with the guys. That's why I like them so much. I like their silliness.

So, this guy and I kind of did that whole back and forth looking at each other thing - trying to not make it obvious that we're looking at each other. I could tell one of us was trying to decide to make the first move. I guess you could say that it was him who made it - sort of.

As I was walking to the bathroom, he was walking back. He "bumped" into me. That's how he got me to talk to him. Apologies and smiles were exchanged. I could feel my shyness begin to creep up and make me avoid eye contact. He smiled some more, giving me that lingering look as though there was some more he wanted to say. He chickened out, though.

So, I guess it was my turn to make it happen. If I've learned anything these past couple of years in Austin it's that you have to make things happen. Failure or not, you just got to give it a shot. Take a risk. Patience only gets you so far. I walked up to him as he went back to his position next to the pillar. I asked him to dance with me. He seemed impressed that I'd asked and we danced. We had a great time. We danced for several songs. Neither one of us tiring of the other. I didn't feel any of that new awkward feeling that sometimes comes along with these meeting of new people. I was completely comfortable.

He then asked me if he could buy me a drink. I laughed and told him that I don't drink. He was pleasantly surprised by this. He was thirsty though and asked if it'd be okay if he went and got himself a drink. I don't really have a problem with drinking - it's the creepy drunks who make my skin crawl. Those guys tend to be extremely pushy but this guy was a complete gentleman. He actually hadn't had anything to drink. This would be his first and only drink of the night.

Grabbing my hand, he lead me to the bar. He bought himself a drink and me a bottled water. We stood there and chatted a bit. He told me to guess his age. I looked up at him and squinted. I could tell he looked young. He was old enough to drink, apparently but not so old that I got the creepy old man vibe from him. Just for kicks I said 25. He laughed and said that I was the first person to ever guess over his actual age. He held up a three. John (that's his name) is 23 years old. Not so bad. Not too old that I feel like I'm childish in comparison to him. He does look like he'd be 20 or something. Haha, it's that boyish charm to him, I guess. I also learned that he is a DJ and that he's already graduated from college in Florida. He works at a studio and they were the guys that were actually responsible for the party that we were at. Neat-o.

We talked a lot. Getting to know each other. He asked me why I don't drink or smoke. I told him that I just never really felt any intense desire to do any of them. He liked that answer from me. That's right. I'm a sweet cute girl, what can I say? Then he asked me if I wanted to dance again. Smiling at this charming guy, I decided to dance some more. I don't think either of us were aware of anything else. I had the greatest time dancing with this guy. Talking to him. Laughing with him.

It seemed that he had noticed me when I'd come in and had been trying to figure out the best way to get my attention. So, he "bumped" into me. On purpose. He smiled because he was glad that it worked. Otherwise he was going to have to get up the nerve to talk to me and take the chance of rejection. Laughing, he said it was a good thing that I said something because there was no guarantee that he would have worked up the nerve. It was probable that it might have happened, though.

We went outside for a breather and he proceeded to ask me more about myself. I really liked talking to this guy. However, being the girl in the city that I am, I never took anything that he said too seriously. We were talking and he just stopped and laughed to himself. I asked him what was so funny. He said, "You. I don't want to sound cheesy, but I can't help staring at your eyes. They're incredible. God, I sound like such a loser."

He came off as genuine. But don't they all? Hmm...but I liked him and was utterly charmed by his slight awkwardness. He wasn't that guy who gave off easy compliments. His entire persona wasn't about the line. He joked with me and said, "I'm going to get your number but I'm going to have to find a pen because my phone is dead."

Lifting my eyebrow and putting a teasing challenge in my voice, I replied, "Oh? What makes you think that you're going to get my number."

He grinned. "Easy. You like me."
I chuckled. Like I said. He's a sweet charmer. "Maybe."
Leaning closer toward me, "Maybe, eh? How do I turn that 'maybe' into a 'yes'?"
I scrunched up my nose in thought. "I don't know."
Getting closer still, he smiled some more. "I know. I'm going to kiss you now."

And he did.

Softly. Sweetly. Not pushy. Just exploring the newness of my mouth against his.

I doubt I could have resisted the surprise of his forwardness. I liked it. I liked that he presented himself this way to me. He liked me. He wasn't about to mince words about it. He was just sweet. I found my mind going completely blank the second his mouth touched mine. It was the best kind of feeling. Not thinking. Nothing mattered outside of that moment.

The kiss ended and though his lips were no longer touching mine, they lingered just inches from where they had just been. He grinned against my mouth. "Wow."

My thoughts exactly. If I could've articulated, that is.

I had to get a hold of myself. I placed my hand on his chest and pushed him slightly away. Laughing, I told him that I had just met him and I probably shouldn't be kissing him like that. His face was one of mock hurt as he laughed and placed his hand above his heart.

"I swear I'm a good guy."

The first thing that came to my bantering mind as I tried to gain some control of my mushy senses? "Prove it. Get five people to tell me if you're a good guy or not."

He grabbed my hand and began to lead me back inside.
"Done."

After all, even though there were tons of people here, this party was thrown by him and his studio. We spent a nice time trying to track down his more credible friends to vouch for him. He made it a point to hunt these guys down in the massive crowd of people. I suppose I hadn't really expected him to do it. But he did. He would find one of his friends and explain to them that he liked me and that I should tell them about him. Explain that he was a nice good guy. You can learn a lot about a guy by the way he interacts with his friends and how they interact with him. I liked what I saw between him and his friends, male and female alike. His friends genuinely cared about him and loved him. They teased him and told me that he was awful. He would shove them slightly. But then his friends would get serious and look at me, assuring me that, yes, here was a good sincere guy. He cares a lot. Sometimes cares too much.

So, he got my phone number. However, being the girl that I am. I got his number too. Who would call first? I joked with him. He said that he'd walk the two blocks to his car and place his phone on the charger the second I left and call me. I laughed. Rolling my eyes. "You're a stalker?"

"No, but I can be yours." He went in to steal another kiss as I laughed at him.
"I've always a stalker."
"Sure thing then. I'll show up outside your window at night and wake you up to the sound of guitar playing. Wait...no. That's not going to happen. I don't play guitar. But...I'll set up my turntable instead. I'm sure someone will call the cops as they see me dragging extension cords across the place. But I'll do it."

Haha, silly boy. He held my hand and I felt comfortable there. It made sense. I didn't really think about the fact that I'd just met him. It's weird. None of that factored in. It was just him. He made me forget about reality. He just seemed...right...

I don't really know how to describe my rationality. He was a gentleman in every sense of the word. He was rakish but without the reputation. A throw back to a different time.

Later that night, after I had left, he contacted me and I told him that I was really impressed that he actually took up the challenge to find five people to tell me about him. That I was only joking and never really expected him to do it. He said, "I like you. Why wouldn't I? You made me prove myself. I think you're worth the effort."

What girl wouldn't like hearing those words? Hmm...I couldn't help but smile.

We hung out on Sunday and we had a great time. Wednesday we're going to hang out with Jake and the guys. Playing bingo with some old people.

Like I said. He's just sweet and incredible. I've never had some guy treat me in such a way. He appreciates me. I talk to him and he makes me laugh.

He's just a throwback to some other time. He's THAT guy. The kind of guy a girl would say she's lucky to have.

We'll see where this goes and if I'm the girl who is going to get to have this awesome and incredibly sweet guy ;)

Last Man on the Moon

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 03:40:05 GMT

So, I haven't really heard much from Andrew in about a month - month and a half. I kind of shrugged it off and went about my life. Made my own social network and quite frankly, felt those interested-in-him feelings dissipate. Not that big of a deal. I suppose I realized that I had stronger feelings invested elsewhere anyways and Andrew just made my head more confused with his presence and witty conversation. It was the conversation that made me excuse his flakiness and tendency to not call or text me back for days on end. You see, when it came down to it, Andrew was the only guy that I've gone out with who made the conversation worthwhile. His quirks and ways of talking and bantering are so like my own. Ha, how easy it is for me to get caught in those kinds of things. Clever, witty boys. Easy as pie to get me if I think you're funny.

But then I realized that I could talk circles around him and he won't ever give me anything more than clever phrases and evasive lines. Lame-o. A lesser girl would settle for his charming self. Yeah...I'm just not cool with having known and gone out with this guy off and on for about five months now and he just is the King of Mixed Signals.

Honestly? I just got bored with the cat and mouse game he wanted to play with me. I think he's very humorous and I like talking and bantering back and forth but...I don't think there is anything else there for me and him. That would be his fault. Not mine. I could have and wanted to spend time to get to know this guy, but he wouldn't let me and just proceeded to contact me once in awhile to hang out. Evs. I'm an open book for the most part and I really didn't want to play some game of "does he like me or not?". But I thank him for his flakiness. If it wasn't for him, I never would have realized or done anything about the conflicting feelings that I was feeling for someone who is a far better guy for me than he is.

However, like always, when we went out to dinner last night, Andrew did not disappoint. He was quirky, cute, and witty all around. The banter was freshly there and we traded quips back and forth. He did all the right things. Noticed things about me and pointed them out. Once, as I brushed my finicky side bang from my hair from my face, he laughed and said that it took me eight tries to get that piece in place.

He thought it was cute.
He thought it was cute that I have a purple bracelet with glitter in it and that I play with it to keep my hands busy.
He thought it was cute that I'm so fidgety.
He thought that it was cute that I make the funniest faces when I'm being sarcastic.
He thought it was cute that I pronouce things a certain way.

I had a good time. But a wiser girl I've become. I know that this is just how Andrew is. He'll call out of the blue and want to talk or hang out. It's fairly understandable, really. We've good - no, great - chemistry. What person wouldn't want to spend some time with another person who could give you the flirtatious and witty conversation that you love? It's fun and harmless. I say "harmless" now because I recognize the situation for what it is. He's a charming flake.

Nothing more for me there.

He gave me a burned cd with tons of old Green Day songs, some Blink sounding punk bands, a few MCR, and Motion City Soundtrack thrown in for good measure and tons of other bands that would appeal to my snotty punk attitude. What can I say? We've lots of things in common. He knows that. He's the guy who figured out right off the bat that I love gummie bears (without me telling him the history about why I love them so much). Once that was seen he brought me gummie bears to every once in awhile hang out. The easiest way to make me smile and forgive his flakiness, right? He writes, is ridiculously cute, spars with the best of them, reads Chuck and Kerouac, and wears Converse. Perfect for me, right? Wrong.

The night ended and we hugged in parting. As he was leaving, he said, "Hey, I'll call you sometime later on in the week and we'll hang out. I'll kidnap you from work if I have to." We'll go on an adventure, his eyes promised.

I smiled and replied breezily, "Sure."

Thinking to myself without any bitterness or bite, "No, you won't."

Sometimes what you think you want isn't that at all. Haha, the things I learn as I grow up. Priceless, no?L

I'm just going to say it

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 16:49:04 GMT

I'm going to apologize to all the people who try to help me out and give me advice. I guess my own stubbornness keeps me from listening sometimes. But I don't really know what to say to that. Sometimes, you may say things that are the best route for me, but I just can't see that yet. I can only take things in as I am ready to take them in. I hadn't realized the full force of being on the other end of this equation until last night. I found myself thinking like a guy as I tried to help Jake with a problem.

I saw the problem and I presented him with a solution. He wasn't ready to take the steps. I found myself getting frustrated, but then I realized that he just had to handle things the way he needed to handle them. Even though I felt that my approach would be faster and seemed to be the best way for the current situation (I was basing this on the fact that I've dealt with some of what he's feeling), I was wrong. Should I say that again for clarification? I was wrong. What would work for me, probably isn't what Jake needs right now. Not that I can really stop myself from trying to have him see the point in my solution, but I can't really get frustrated with the fact that he feels he is doing what he can. I think he talks to me about what's going on with him just because he needs someone to talk to about it. Venting, if you will. I'm his friend. I care about him. So, venting to me is fine.

But I just can't seem to help myself. I'm a busy body and I'm meddlesome. Trying to solve everyone's problems. After all, I'm way better at doing that than handling my own. I mean I just want to help. Help him rip off the duct tape around his arm in one clean stroke as appose to slowly taking it off little by little - the sticky part getting caught on his arm hairs. Still, he has to do this on his own. I can only present him with options and it's up to him to figure out what best works. He'll be okay, though. I know it. It's just who I am to worry and care about him as fiercely as I do. He's the sweetest soul and it's murder watching what's happening to him.

Sheesh...realizing all of this...I figure it must be frustrating as hell being my friend. After all, I have this stubborn streak and I tend to honestly believe that I know what I'm talking about most of the time (especially when it concerns my own feelings). Still, there is nothing like a little outside perspective. So, I guess this is thanks to all my friends who give me advice that I'm too "stupid" (I can't really figure out the right word) to really pay heed to at the time. I don't know. I appreciate all of you, even though I sometimes don't show it.

What can I say? These are my years where I foolishly think I have things "under control". It probably won't be for another 10 years before I realize how idiotic and misinformed I really was/am. But that's okay. This is what growing up is all about. I'm glad each and every one of you - my friends - are here to help me. Even if I get pissed off by what you say to me. In the end, it's all necessary. You wouldn't be in my life if I didn't care about your opinion.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy?

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 16:48:24 GMT

It would be a lie to say that everything is going peachy keen with me at the present moment, however, I have been worse. Oh, have I been worse. I suppose that's what makes this little slump bearable. The thought that I have been worse. I've felt so bad that my stomach would be twisted up in the most sickening knots. It was during those times of heartache and confusion that I just wanted to sleep. Dream away the day and forget about the reality of the situation.

Luckily, this isn't one of those times. I just feel icky. "Blah", if you will. La dee da. Today is the 4th of July. Whoot. Go fireworks and whatnot. I'm actually really excited about that. I know that it tends to be difficult to convey tone in the written form. It's kind of irritating sometimes. The confusion over tone. But anyways, July seems to be chalk full of things for me to do. Bills to pay, starting my job at Subway (yes, ladies and gents...my situation has come to that) plus continuing my nanny job, birthdays, the Dark Knight premiere, going to go see Brand New's Jesse Lacey perform on the 28th here in Austin at Mohawk's...but above all else...finding a roommate.

Random things. Necessary things. I'm not sure what's happening in Austin today for the 4th. I should rephrase that. I don't know what I am doing in Austin for the 4th. Considering that I had to pay my July rent by myself and cover the bills for the month as well, I find that my provisions (a.k.a money) is lacking. Man, it kind of bums me out. Just a smidge. But I will prevail. I'm not one to shirk from hard work or the fact that I had to go back to Subway in order to make sure that my bills got paid and I'll have enough left over to cover gas and other miscellaneous expenses. It's really only until mid-August. Then, school starts and I get my grant money. Thank goodness for the FAFSA and government money. I couldn't do it without you.

What else...what else...

I'm working on my social skills. Meh. Nothing ever really comes of any of it, so I'm not going to write it down. I probably won't write it down until there is something to say. I wish I could give it to you all without feeling like a complete idiot when things fall through, but I can't. We shall see. I always have hope. Hope is a beautiful and special thing. It keeps you going. No matter what. You lose hope and you lose yourself. I think I'll be fine, as long as I have hope.

and gummie bears. I must have the gummie bears. They always make me smile.

50% of the time

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 16:44:58 GMT

"You stress me out 50% of the time, but the other 50% makes it totally worth it." (the 500th)

I sometimes wonder about my ability to be so resilient. Being able to bounce back fairly well from mishaps or emotionally draining experiences. I suppose that when it comes down to it, I just refuse to allow something to get me down for long. However, that doesn't mean that I'm still not feeling that barrage of emotions on my system, it's just that I attempt to carry on and kick some ass.

Or something. I don't know. It's easy to think I'm being fickle or that my ability to not display my hurt is a sign that I never really cared all that much anyway. That is far from the case. I'm a carer. I care deeply. I just refuse to allow myself to let the entire situation get the best of me. I always have hope. Hope for things to figure themselves out. I'm tougher than I look. I can handle a lot. It's also a good thing that I have this place here. I don't know what I'd do, how I'd feel if I didn't have this place to give voice to my things. The asylum would be calling my name right about now. I suppose it also doesn't hurt things that I have Jake to distract me from myself. Helping him helps me. I'm not sure if he knows this, but it's the truth.

It's what I do best. Help. I really shouldn't fight my purpose so much. Trying to make myself into someone I'm not. It's easy to become frustrated with myself when I keep attempting to harden myself and become selfish when in reality I'm just a ball of caring and chalk full of empathy. The key is to not be naive about it. I'm so young sometimes. There are so many aspects of myself that need to grow and develop. No matter how much I like to think that I'm rather mature for my age, there are certain things that I will be naive about. Things that I need to experience and deal with in order to grow. I mess up and with my stubborn ability to think that I know what I'm talking about (which I do sometimes), I have to mess up many, many, many times in the same situation to get the point across. I do stupid things, but that's just how things happen. I'm young. Trying to grow up into who I know I can become.

It's a rocky road. But I think because I work so hard at things I'm better off than I could be at this age. My friends keep me growing and maturing. Giving me insight (and straightforward comments) about the things that I'm struggling with. They've experienced them and it would be foolish to not consider the things that they say to me. Even though I really loathe to admit that I sometimes just really don't want to hear with they have to say. That's my young age reacting to them. My rebelliousness. Patience, my friends. I'll grow out of it eventually.

I feel okay with things presently. Like I said, helping Jake is helping me. He is helping me remember who I am. Our friendship has gone through a lot of things but I think through it all we've both worked hard at making sure this friendship doesn't fail. Jake said it best when he told me at the boat party, as he leaned against the stair railing, slightly swaying and leaning on me:

"You know, you stress me out 50% of the time, but the other 50% makes it totally worth it."

I laughed. Replied, "Jake, you're drunk."

Jake smiled. Goofily.

Ahh...the funny. Things take hard work. Friendships. Relationships. But more importantly it takes hard work dealing with yourself. But...even though you may stress yourself out 50% of the time make sure that the other 50% makes it totally worth it.

It’s /my/ birthday and I do what I want. Comprende?

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 23:10:40 GMT

I find myself sitting here and thinking to myself about the past 48 hours. I don't know what to feel, to be honest. I find myself wanting so badly to protect myself from the emotion that I feel creeping up inside of me. It's not fair that I find myself feeling this. I wish, for once, that what I wanted would somehow come to pass. Meh. It's life. The trials, the heartache, the smile at the end of all of that. It's all really worth it. I just hate the journey, sometimes. Sometimes, I hate the maturity that life has decided to slap me in the face with. Sometimes, I hate the fact that things are so difficult for me. Or...at least that they only seem to be more difficult, mainly because I'm so insanely self-absorbed sometimes that I like to pretend that there is no one on this entire planet who could possibly know what it is that I'm feeling.

That's a completely irrational thought, no? To assume that no one could sympathize, empathize, and give me some wise advice due to their past experience? I'm never quite sure if I'd listen, though. I know most people don't listen to the things that I say sometimes. I guess it could be said that I return the favor. Stubborn girl. Always trying to fix things on your own. Yet, at the same time whining about how no one is ever there for you. Way to send those mix signals, ace. For sure.

Right now, I guess I'm trying to find peace with a truth. A truth that frustrates me. I want so very badly for things to turn out how I picture them to in my head. But, as all you dear readers know, I've a very rich fantasy life.   Nothing ever turns out quite how you (or in this case I ) hope. Yes, sometimes things turn out better than expected. Imagine that, no? Positives instead of negatives. It's really quite fascinating, this oddity.

However, I regret to inform you ladies and gents of this sad fact: this is NOT one of those cases where I become pleasantly surprised by the "better-ness" that my situation finds itself in. Pity, I know. But what's a shumuck to do? Roll with the punches, I'd say. Gah...I'm getting fairly exhausted with this chip that I find resting on my shoulder. It's really rather bothersome. Can't frequent most swanky places with it.

I make a joke. This is where you take the moment to catch it and laugh.

Anyways...you all know that I have the nasty habit of caring far more than I should. I also have the tendency to be extremely persistent and stubborn. What can I say? I enjoy the taste of rejection several times. I'm just sick like that.

I joke. You laugh. It's how we're all going to get through this entry, understand?

But back to my lament. That's right. Bring the focus back to me. My story. My show.

Fact:
I like a boy.

Fact:
I like a boy. I care about the boy immensely.

Fact:
I like a boy. I care about the boy immensely.   The boy knows this.

Fact:
I like a boy. I care about the boy immensely.   The boy knows this. The boy is my friend.

Fact:
I like a boy. I care about the boy immensely.   The boy knows this. The boy is my friend. The boy is only my friend.

Fact:
My history repeats itself.

*cue staged sitcom laughter at my expense*